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Jokes / Stories / Tales - January 

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah..'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Kimmy. Aunty Kimmy was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops..

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Kimmy when she's been drinking.' One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want..'
So he tied her up and went hunting. A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.
Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled,and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?" One day a girl student asked the teacher

“How many lovers should a girl have to be married successfully?”
“Well, if you have one lover, you have no variants; if two lovers, you have an alternative; if three lovers, you have a chance; if you have four lovers, you have a choice. But if you have five lovers and more, you mustn’t get married successfully.” One day during an individual lesson in French one girl student shared with the teacher her problems:
“It’s hard to be a girl.”
“Why?” asked the teacher.
“A man says, “I love the nature!” - And he goes cutting trees.
A man says, “I love birds!” - And he keeps them in cages.
A man says, “I love flowers!” - And he picks a flower out to smell it and then throw it out.”
“What are you afraid of?” the teacher was puzzled.

“One day a man will come to me and say, “I love you!” One day a student asked the teacher

“What would you advise me to buy for my girl on her birthday?”
“Well, I would advise you to buy a set of cosmetics for contemporary girl: a lipstick, eye shadow, varnish and Adobe Photoshop. One day a friend call up on phone to the teacher

  “Could you help me with a car? I broke it yesterday.”
“What has happened?”
“While going up into my garage I bumped against a tree.”
“How couldn’t you see the tree?”
“It used not to be, but yesterday it was.” One day the teacher was asked by an American:

  “What would your people do if they found a bottle of vodka?”
“What vodka do you mean?”
“For instance, Smirnoff Vodka.”
“Well, then they would buy two bottles more to celebrate this find.” One day in the street the teacher came up to one girl:

  “Beauty, may I ask you?”
“What do you want?” the girl turn to him.
“Oh, sorry, I am wrong.” One day a schoolgirl asked the teacher

“Can you read thoughts on people’s faces?”
“I can’t read a little on men’s faces, but on women’s - I can much.”
“Is it difficult?”
“No, what women want to say they draw on their faces.” One schoolgirl missed a French class conducted by the teacher
She excused herself and said that she had had her birthday party.
“How did you spend your time?” the teacher inquired.
“What can I say?” the girl asked herself. “It is pleased to remember, but it is ashamed to tell.” One day a student asked the teacher

  “Can we overcome the corruption? When will the authority of our country be without corruption?”
“Well, when love is without sex, the authority will be without corruption in our country.” One day at a private class in English one schoolgirl told the teacher

“Today a photographer came to us at school.”
“How did he make pictures?”
“One could be pictured with a snake, with a crocodile, with a monkey or with our teacher of zoology.” One day the teacher was addressed on phone by his old friend:

“May I come to you and have a talk? I haven’t talked with anybody for a year?”
“Have you lived all the year in the forest among animals?”
“No, I have lived all the year in New-York among Americans.” We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it..He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English sign in German cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a beauty shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
Maternity clothes shop: We are open on Labor Day.
On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs. One day during an individual class in English the teacher asked his pupil, a boy at the age of 8:

  “How does your mom call you at home?”
“If she sends me for bread, I am a puppy, if I must go to bed I am a kitten, if I must wake up early I am a cocky. But if I got a bad mark at school I am an ass. One day a woman asked the teacher

"Who is more perspective as a student: a boy or a girl?"
"Usually this is a girl," said the teacher. "We live in an epoch of feminism. Women become officers in the Army, primer-ministers and even priests. For instance, in Sweden half of priests are women."
"What do you think they preach?"

"I think they preach: "All people are sisters!"A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing." Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

  One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

  As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!' A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
He slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The wife said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' he said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a wife. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay..'A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in  Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a wife. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' A group of 45 year old guys discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally they agree to meet at the Kelley's Restaurant because the waitresses have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later at age 55, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because the food is good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at age 65, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because  they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later at age 75, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they have an elevator.
10 years later at age 85, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because they have never been there before. Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding." Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking. 
 
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date, I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.' 
  
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you, he turned up at my bungalow punctually at 7 oclock, dressed like a gentleman 
in a fine suit, and he brought me a lovely bunch of flowers! 
  
Then he takes me downstairs, and outside my bungalow a limousine was waiting, uniformed chauffeur and all. 
 
Then he took me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show, let me tell you, Dorothy, 
 
I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! 
So then we get back to my bungalow, and he turns into an ANIMAL. 
 
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!' 
 
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?' 
 
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'  A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

 

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

  'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

  As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

  When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

  White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow. A Letter from Wayne ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.  

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.  

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home  from work. Although she knows how hungry I am,  she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door. 
 
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
     
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points. 
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed Lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.
  
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more    
Tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.  

Signed,  
Wayne 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby. 
 
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me  the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord..'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
A last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. 
  
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. 
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. 
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the kerb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.  
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!' 
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. 
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, 
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. 
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.  
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. 
Sure enough, there was the hooker He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jogged past. 
  
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

Big People Words 

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO baby talk!  
You  need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was  always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?   

'I went to visit my Nana'..
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  
Use 'Big People'  words!'  

She then asked Mitchell what he had done  
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said.  'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.  
You must remember to use 'Big People'  words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 
'I   read a book' he replied.
That's  WONDERFUL!' the teacher  said.  
'What book did you read?'

(I love this..)   

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,  

'Winnie the SHIT

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up  alongside.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
And as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window again she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light when he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.....Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a ****ing gritter!' Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKENA cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'  A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired fisherman in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired fisherman and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old fisherman replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there." American Medical Association researchers have found that Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

 

Just thought you'd like to know... A trucker came into a roadhouse and placed his order.
'I want three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'A guy out there just ordered three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.......
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tyres ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights..is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crispy bacon!
'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde.  She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tyres, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

 

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
   
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?  Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
  
And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!  After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children..  
The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.  
The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 
So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count:  
"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This  procedure also works in New Zealand and  Tasmania.How to Handle A Husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America'.
We visited the Grand Canyon , in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@!crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.'WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES 
President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are  you guys doing in here?'
Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
1       Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2        hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3        wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4        thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5       finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6        measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7        breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8        vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9        knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10      classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11      dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12      promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13      executed as soon as possible.
 
Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for New Years dinner.
It is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she s**** on you                                                                                         The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper...
"They must have seen you coming................"

The Tesco Doctor
 
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better  see a doctor!'
 
Mike says Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
 
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points'.
 
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.

It will improve in two weeks'.
 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
 
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
 
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:
 
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
 
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little pat here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
he let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate session in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad  .... apparently he had the time of his life.

MORNING SEX
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
 She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'. ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN SYDNEY COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!' It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." 
 
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. 

 
"SHIT" said the Hypnotist. 

It took three days to clean up the old people's home. Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the accompanying people, "You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$1000."

The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $1000? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again".

The Zimbabweans replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance." Best short story of the month!

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....." This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella' s door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. Roger marries at 85
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already ?"

The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven.
"The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.
Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Says Mick.A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." little Irish Catholic humour A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"The marriage of 80 year old Bulldog Dave to his 20 year old housekeeper was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate old Bulldog
And said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
Bulldog grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate Dave.
She said, "Dave, you are something else. How do you manage it?"
Bulldog Dave grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of theirthird child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached old Dave, smiled, and said ,"Well, you really are something else! How do you do it?"
Dave replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."A Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.INALA HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Inala in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Corsair Avenue, Inala.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.
The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.
Three large areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The Courier mail reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Inala.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Kevin and Jason slept through it all.'
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, jewellery from Kmart, and bone china from Big W.
AID IN PROGRESS
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area , to help the stricken locals.

HOW YOU CAN HELP.
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after ? particularly items usually worn by local residents ?
baseball caps, tracksuits, singlets (blue white), white sport socks, Reebok boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or the Reject Shop.

Food parcels are needed. The most urgent items include Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
Donations $15.00 will be used to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
The local Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display' due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Inala - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway! Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think ?$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Georgia.
The Georgia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.Book of Genesis

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.
" And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
" And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.
" And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

A Nurse walked into one of the wards and saw patient sitting astride a chair holding something in his hands and making a lot of noise.
Nurse - Kenny, what are you doing?
Kenny - I can't talk now ! (rmmmmm, rmmmmm) I'm driving a truck down to Melbourne.
The Nurse left him at his imaginary truck and walked into the next ward and ws horrified to see another patient masturbating vigorously.
Nurse - Danny! whatever are you doing ?????
Danny - Ssssh!!!!! I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he is in Melbourne!She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table .
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer is broken." The only cow in a small West Coast town stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow over the hill in Canterbury for $200.

They brought the cow from Canterbury and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with  their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the vet, who was very wise,what to do.

They told the vet what was happening. 'Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.'

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
'Did you by chance, buy this cow from Canterbury ?'

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
'You are truly a wise Vet.' they said 'How did you know we got the cow in Canterbury ?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye. 'My wife is from Canterbury .'This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1977 : Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair

1977 : Acid rock
2007 : Acid reflux

1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1977 : Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage

1977 : Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint

1977 : Rolling Stones 2007:
Kidney Stones

1977 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1977 : Whatever
2007 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university this year were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They ! have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading... It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
- - - Crowfoot This should be posted in all schools and work places...

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT.
In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.Police Warning - see demo video link at bottom of page

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

For a video to see how beer works click here:
Beer Demo  http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swfCondoms !
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line....
Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.
Tesco condoms - Every little helps.
Nike condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abby national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.
Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.
FCUK condoms - No comment required.
Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.
Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms - Size really does matter.
Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.
Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
Carlsberg condoms - Proberly the best condoms in the world.
AA condoms - For the 4th emergency service.
Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.
Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
 


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you o long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"



Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a  party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the  top of his voice,  "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.It's a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you  thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.INDIAN LOGIC

An American Indian chief sat in the reservation smoking a ceremonial pie,
and eyeing two U. S. Government officials who had been sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles - you have observed white man for the last 90 years.
You have seen his wars and technological advances.
You've seen both his progress and the damage he has done"
The Chief nodded and carried on smoking.
"In your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at them for a minute and then replied.
"When white man came, Indians were running this place.
There were no taxes, no debts, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have sex.
(smiling) Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"WHO IS CERTIFIABLE?

A visitor to the mental asylum asked the Director what criteria was used to tell if a person should be certified or not.
The Director replied , "Well, we fill up a bathtub with water, offer a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"
"I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is the biggest"
"No" said the Director, " A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed nest to the window or a bed next to mine?

DID YOU PASS THE TEST? One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops - a few  people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, " And why not ?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass"

Management Lesson:
"Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one..."A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, 
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. 
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you. 
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate" Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: 
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. 
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!" A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. 
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 
The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. 
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. 
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity
gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead." 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. 
He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had s*x together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well!" "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" 
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good. 
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having s*x against a fence. 
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. 
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. 
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. 
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. 
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x that the watching policeman has ever seen. 
This goes on for about ten minutes. 
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. 
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. 
The Policeman still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. s the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. 
You must've had a fantastic s*x life together. 
Is there some sort of secret to this?" 
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
4. It encourages car pooling.
5. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
6. It eliminates holiday leave because people would rather come to work.
7. It makes fellow employees look better.
8. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
9. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are plastered.
10.Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
11.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the pub.
12. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
13. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunchbreak.
14. Increases the chance of seeing your boss (or employee naked).
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Bum" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross". Live TV is Still The Best!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think twice before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story...the station had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline. After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is. They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline. Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline. They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill. What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up. The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on. They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word. One of the students says "We've broken down up the road .Do you mind if we have something to drink !

? No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family. They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each. One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply. He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word. The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife. Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word. They have another beer each and still no word from anyone. As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".The father jumps up and says '"I'll do the washing up". What hand do you wipe your bum with???

answer  I don't use any hands I use toilet paper The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison.
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."Three famous models... Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:
"We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"
The three models start preparing for the worst. 
Claudia Schiffer immediately pulls out her lipstick and make-up, and starts doing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: What the hell are you doing prettying your face, when we are about to crash!" 
Claudia responds: "It stands to reason that the rescue workers will notice my beautiful face, and save me first.
That is why I am putting on my make-up." 
Then Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose her beautiful breasts, (which inexplicably defy the law of gravity). 
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses? 
Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see, when we are about to die?"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority that, in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with beautiful breasts. So, that is why I am exposing my tits!" 
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell then hikes her skirt right up around her waist, and takes off her panties. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi, are you crazy? 
Why are you now half naked, fully exposing your fanny for everyone to see?" 
Calmly, Naomi responds: "Please, please! Everyone knows for a fact, that the first thing they look for after a plane crash, is the Black Box." The Bricklayer

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

ACCIDENT CLAIM FORM REPORT FOR INJURIES .

Dear Sirs:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks You. will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident re port form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience (pain), At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now, devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions  about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he  asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down  on the ground and spread her wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in  here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she  managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for  bees" said Tarzan. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food. Toward the end of the golf course, Eddie somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden 'POOF'! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life;
better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then 'POOF'! She was gone.
After Eddie got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. 
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Eddie yells back, "DON'T SWING FRED!!!
For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. 
The doctor says to the first old man, 
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
 The doctor worriedly says to the second man, 
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
 "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
 "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
 "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. 
"How did you get that"?
 "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. 
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." A few facts to get your brain in gear.

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no-one reported a single case where and ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary School.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tounge twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck. If you could keep your eyes open by force, they would pop out.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Now, did you try to lick your elbow ??? A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area,
would operate  in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening. 
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital,
when the other phone rang. 
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back, 
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. 
I'm talking to Christ."A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, 
"Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"Remember how airlines used to ask you to be at the airport one hour before departure? Now, to avoid delays, they want you to drive to your destination.SAGINAW, Michigan - Reading directions would have been helpful for a thief who robbed a restaurant in Saginaw, Michigan.
The would be robber failed to escape after he pushed with all of his might on a door that was clearly marked "pull."
According to police, the man eventually discovered his mistake, but it was already too late.A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: 
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. 
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him.
They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect,
the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hung over a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"LOS ANGELES - Twice the size equals twice the fare according to a judge in Los Angeles. The ruling came after Cynthia Luther, who weighs more than 300 pounds, alleged that Southwest harassed and discriminated against her in May before she boarded a flight from Reno to Burbank. According to the lawsuit, Luther was asked if she needed a seat belt extension, then was told to buy a second ticket "so as not to inconvenience other passengers seated next to her." A friend bought the extra ticket, but Luther sat in one seat with the armrest down. Superior Court Judge Marilyn Hoffman said the airline's policy wasn't discriminatory and is aimed at situations that "might significantly encroach on another passenger."MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Michigan - Apparently Domino's Pizza delivery drivers don't deliver everything. The driver told police he went to apartment building, not realizing the food order was for the rear apartment and knocked on the door of the front apartment. A woman who appeared to be intoxicated or high on drugs reportedly came out of the apartment and offered to perform a sex act for the food. As he tried to pull away to get back to his car, the woman bit him on the arm, then climbed through his window and allegedly grabbed his crotch several times. Somehow, the woman wound up with the food and 20-ounce pop that had been on the car's front seat. The delivery driver later went to a local hospital for a tetanus shot.AIREDALE, Yorkshire - A Yorkshire bank denied putting a gun club in a compromising position due to its vulgar name. The members of The Cock, Ball, Nipple and Touchhole Club were shocked when their eight-year-old bank account was shut down when it went just slightly overdrawn and thought it was because of their rude-sounding name. Bank officials claim it was closed simply because it was overdrawn and "was in no way influenced by the group's name or its activities." Despite how it can be interpreted, the terms cock, ball, nipple and touchhole are all parts on an antique rifle, although members admit that some people do assume they are an 'adult'  organization.Then there was the Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures  to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, 
"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing tostand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing tostand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. 
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. 
What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, 
"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans. So they built and it was beautiful.
When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.
He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call Empire State?"
The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.
"What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev.
The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.
 "Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says."
 More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don't grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"Don't worry if you have problems! 
Which is easy to say until you are in the midst of a really big one, I know. 
But the only people I am aware of who don't have troubles are gathered in little neighbourhoods. 
Most communities have at least one. 
We call them cemeteries.
If you're breathing, you have difficulties. 
It's the way of life. 
And believe it or not, most of your problems may actually beBRAZIL - A Brazilian jeweller's dream of a longer penis is a stretch of their imagination, amongst other things. The man has already gone through great lengths to increase his modest four inch manhood to 10.5 inches with the use of a special "extender" device, however, now he wants more. His doctor, Bayard Fischer Santos, has urged him to seek psychiatric advice before he chases his dream of a 12-inch-plus penis. Dr Fischer added: "He's very proud of his penis, it's all he thinks about. And of course his wife is delighted."GERMANY - A stuntman in Germany really cleaned up at a charity event when he survived a seven-minute stint in a car wash clinging to the top of a family car. Jesco Goebel donned a rubber suit and a diving mask while he endured the cycle of whirling brushes, hot water and wax to raise money for a children's hospital charity. Goebel told reporters "The vacuum cycle didn't really dry me off but at least I didn't get injured."CHIETI, Italy - A 94-year-old Italian man, who apparently isn't done sowing his wild oats yet, told a court that his 52-year-old wife was filing for divorce because he wanted too much sex. The woman, who is almost half his age, is his third wife and the couple met through a marriage agency just five months ago. But she's already filed for a divorce because of the pressure her husband's sexual appetite has put on the marriage.Jill: How bad did things get with you and your ex?
Mary: Well, for the first few months, when he hadn't come home yet, I'd  pray, "Please, God, don't let him be lying on the side of the road somewhere dead."
Jill: Okay, and then?
Mary: Then after about a year of that, I started to pray, "Please, God, let him be lying dead on the side of the road somewhere, and let there be enough insurance money to fix the car and send his body back to his parents."At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
 The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"The Kennebunkport Hillbilly (sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
 He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes. 
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation. 
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?Real Books... Unreal Titles!

The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.Teachers Hefty Salaries!!

I, for one am sick of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do, baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right......I would give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be fifteen dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
Now, how many do they teach a day.. maybe 25. Then that's 15x25 =$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year. I 'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's 375x180 = $67,500.00 (hold on my calculator must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 hour. That would be $6 x 5 hours x25 children x180 days  =$135,000 per year.
Wait there must be something wrong here!
THERE SURE IS!!!

Facts about Orstralia!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the chep pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik.
He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"The Chinese believed early in the post-campaign debacle that George W. would win the election and visit China at some point in his term of office.
In fact, the chefs have already created a new dish in honour of his visit, called "Won Dum Goy".What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination
Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)
Now....want a re-count, George???This definition comes directly from Webster's
AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): 
Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a desired result is produced.Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.
 ... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrowsAn old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
 "Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"Subject: amazingly but true prediction

Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." Nostradamus, 1555

Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft****

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft ****

Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft ***

My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft ***

Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George

W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy  frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida. . . . Crumple crumple crumple

 Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft ***

Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times. . . . Ah, forget it. GORE'S UNRELEASED CONCESSION SPEECH.

I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election. 
 "Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be  watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
 "Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
 "Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election. "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off. "And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make  Hillary my Vice President.

"What a pisser."Irish Virus

Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.

Paddy Things to do in Kmart while your other half is shopping

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

 4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone; "I think we have a Code 3 in Homeware".

5. Put M & M's on layby.

6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the Sporting Section; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, start crying and ask; "Why won't people leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Sporting Section, ask the salesperson if the gun is sold with a prescription for anti-depressants.

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the Auto Dept practise your Madonna look by using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, jump out and yell; "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the P.A. system, assume the foetal position and scream; "Not the voices again!"

15. Go into the Fitting Room and call out loudly; "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here".Let's face it: English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?

And more..................

Some food for "Thought".......

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

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