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Jokes / Stories / Tales - July

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A woman goes into  Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's  birthday.
She  doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the  counter.
The  salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She  says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and  reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind;  but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to  know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on  the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare  graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around  combination, and it's actually on sale this week for  $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can  tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take  it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card  drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he  says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the  card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but  then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who  had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says,  "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and  asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did  you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish  Bait is $3.50.

Only in America

NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
 
Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.
 
The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
 
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D)  A Car
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
 
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
 
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.
 
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
 
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
 
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines,
Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
 
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.' A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up  and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded  to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

 A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his  wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

"Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his  wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

"Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd  /GILLARD took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call. 

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?  

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your  
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair   for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How  often do you have sex??? '  

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very  
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice  every few months.' 

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.  

'It's rust.' 

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.'' A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. 
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. 

He will inspire her to do things she neverthought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure 
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. 
Never mind. Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." 
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more try." 
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help." 
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." 
So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. 
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?" 
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight". 
"Where did it go?" says Noddy. 

"I don't remember."

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.... 
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked me why, I replied, 
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 

And that's how the fight started..... I asked my wife, 
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' 
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. 
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' 

And that's when the fight started...My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, 
'Do you want to have Sex?' 
'No,' 
she answered. I then said, 
'Is that your final answer?' 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 
'Yes...' 
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started... I took my wife to a restaurant. 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.' 
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 
'Nah, she can order for herself.' 

And that's when the fight started.....  My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.   
She asked, 'What's on TV?' 
I said, 'Dust' 

And then the fight started. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' 
I bought her a set of bathroom scales. 

And then the fight started.... My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. 
I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 
'Yes,' she sighed, 
'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 
'My God!' I said, 
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'   

And then the fight started... I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. 
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? 
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! 
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 
'I AM NOT HAPPY!' 
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' 

And then the fight started... When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.. 
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me. 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. 
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and Flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,doing all kinds of Stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said,'I want the bastard who pushed me in.' Never question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A) 1 litre of 2% fat reduced milk
B) Dozen fresh eggs
C) 250ml bottle of orange juice
D) a head of lettuce
E) 500 gm jar of coffee
F) 250 gm pack of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct, but how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly. 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. My Resume
      
1. My first job was working in an Orange uice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate!
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it-- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9.  Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I  became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good  job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too drainin 
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there  was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I tried retirement and found i'm perfect for the job! O>nly in America

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Think you know this fairy tale? Here’s a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.

Baby Bear went downstairs, and sat in his small chair at the table. He looked into his small bowl. It was empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaked.

Papa Bear arrived at the big table and sat in his big chair. He looked into his big bowl and it was also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roared.

Mama Bear put her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yelled, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mama Bear who got up first.
It was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mama Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mama Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mama Bear who set the damn table. It was Mama Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs and grace Mama Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once:

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*****NG PORRIDGE YET!’ O>nly in America

I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that? O>nly in America

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' O>nly in America

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......

Aussie stockman’s honeymoon

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,   "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it." Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?  

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says   
Ya think?   Well obviously the experts would know. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   
Now that's taking things a bit far !  Panda MatingFails; Veterinarian Takes Over   
What a great bloke!   Miners Refuse to Work after Death  
Lazy-good-for-nothing'-so-and-so's!   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   
See if that works any better than a fair trial!  That should free up the court system for a while War Dims Hope for Peace   
I can see where it might have that effect!   If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
Ya think?!   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
Who would have thought!  

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something there!   Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  Should have tried that on Sommerton Bridge. Perhaps NSW Govt was too broke to afford the red brand!   Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   
He probably IS the battery charge!   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
Weren't they fat enough?!   Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   
That's what he gets for eating all those beans!   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
Yuummm.  Do they taste like chicken? Local High School Dropouts> Cut in Half>   
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!   Should halve the dole as well >  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
Boy, are they tall! And the winner is....   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead   
    
Did I read that right?  

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is  66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ;

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter." Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.   Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. 

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. 

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we�ve decided to give the Pole the job." 

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." 

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" 

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'

You put down, Neither do I 

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...........Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me ................ I've Quit Drinking!"An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother,'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied,'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied,'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said,'My nose is cold .'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'  The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?' The daughter replies, 'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.....She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"  The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters..  She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.  She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.  An officer is on the way."  A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.  She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"The Pope and  Julia Gillard are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Julia and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts,  and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" 

Julia replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?  Show me."

So the Pope backhanded the self-important , back-stabbing little bitch and the crowd went wild. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
     
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think .

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning lady.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister Gillard. What do you have in the basket?" she asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Gillard.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
" Labor supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two agreed that the prime minister should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, Channel 7, SBS, Ten & Nine.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Gillard got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," she said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes ma'am," Suzy said. "They're Liberals.

Taken by surprise, the prime minister stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were Labor supporters."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So  am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I  am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!  And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see.  I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it?  I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a  beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom..

 

" Holy Fuck" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!! Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village. I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " Fuck Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm fucking having that!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK, BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next? An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'     .

Seamus  
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had justl oaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor
'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Seamus
"Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
 
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favouritecow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the F**k would you have said'? I got to thinking today
Socrates was poisoned
Julius Caesar was stabbed to death 
Napoleon died in exile
Abraham Lincoln was shot
Gandhi was shot
Kevin Rudd was Gillardteened

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are khakis". You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.
The interview was as follows:
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day. And only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
The program was never aired. 

Can't you just see John Doyle and Brian Clarke doing this one - love it.

Julia Gillard's first interview……….. 
TV: “Congratulations Prime Minister. Before we start, 
as we stand here on Thursday afternoon, do you accept that tomorrow will be Friday?” 
PM: “We have always 
supported the standard structure of the calendar and acknowledge that the public expect a regular system that provides the rhythm necessary for everyday planning and life structures. We feel very strongly about this.” 
TV: “So you do agree that tomorrow is Friday?” 
PM: “It isn’t important whether it is Friday or Monday. What is important is that unexpected changes don’t interfere with the normal expectations of the public - and this government has a 
solid record in supporting those expectations.” 
TV: “But as today is Thursday, surely you can confirm 
that tomorrow is Friday?” 
PM: “Everything is relative and whether the next day is Wednesday or Sunday is dependent on where you stand at the time. We have never challenged the current system and have the full support of the unions on this. Most intelligent people agree that changes are not required.” 
TV: “Well then, what day is tomorrow?” 
PM: “Tomorrow is the next day in our plan to further develop our marvellous country in many areas. We plan to continue providing better health care, reduced debt, reduced unemployment, 
controlled immigration and to be a world leader in controlling global warming.” 
TV: “Returning to the question, 
can you not confirm that Friday is tomorrow?” 
PM: “Friday is always around. It has been around many 
times before and will be around again many more times. Which is why we need - as a responsible government - to plan and organise for the future. Not just for tomorrow, but for our children and their children. 
TV: “Prime Minister, the viewers are waiting for your 
answer on what day you think tomorrow is?” 
PM: “We are dealing with bigger issues here. The Friday, Saturday, Sunday thing is not important or relevant to the scheme of things. They need to understand the critical issues and focus on the matters of concern, such as the condition of our nation and how we can continue to develop it so that all may reap the benefit.” 
TV: “I’m sorry, we seem to have lost the point here 
again. Are you saying that it isn’t Friday tomorrow?” 
PM: “The reality is that it is not important what day it is. What is important is how we handle the situation - and my government is 
handling it with solid policies evolved from the mandate the people gave us.” 
TV: “But we just want to know if you agree that it will be Friday tomorrow?” 
PM: “Let’s remain focused here. It is the nation that 
is important and we stand fast and rock steady in our dedication to the job in hand. In closing, let me say this one more time – we are fully committed to the task and have commissioned a report that will enable us to develop the plans for the future. Thank you.” 

TV: “Prime Minister ?????? Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.
'When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!' He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' 
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo!  Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

You'll like this 
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Q.  What is the difference between Australia and McDonalds?
A.  Nothing - they are both run by a redheaded clown! Q:  What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS

A: A crazy bitch who will find you!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to   1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.
He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.
"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. 

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." 

"Very good," said the teacher. 

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." 

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. 

The teacher held her breath ...Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said."$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling" 

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. 

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, 

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." 

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" 

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" 

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room..
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test,
An electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently
In the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his  mother and asked, 'If big dogs  have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big  planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't  think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight  attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't  big planes have  baby planes?'
The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.
'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Blue always pulls out on time.  Ask your mother to explain that to you.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!  You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!   You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."  He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well,  Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.">

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. 

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? 

 

Her husband speaks English!  Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

 

'It sure was,' said the little girl.>
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

MacDonalds are releasing a new burger called the McRanga in celebration of the new female PM. It contains beetroot, spanish onion, red cabbage, tomato sauce and a knife.

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. 
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ' 
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' 
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 

'It's The Box Office...'   Tower : 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351:'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'Tower:'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341:'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower:'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control:'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft:'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329:'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight"A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,ATC asked,'What was your last known position?'
Student:'When I was number one for takeoff.'A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English):'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English):'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):'Because you lost the bloody war!'Tower:'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702:'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635:'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one...The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them... So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground:'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Al pha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206:'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly):'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,'the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:'Wasn't I married to you once?Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it...... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case........... kiss me, Hardy

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.  A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:

aisle, altar, hymn.  .  .  .  .  .

aisle, altar, hymn.  .  .

aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete.  She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself...

'I'll alter him!

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

A handful of 7 year old children were asked  'What they thought of beer'.Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer  makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.  '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at  parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady,  7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have  too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer.The more he drinks, the better he dances.One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on  my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

Thought you might like to know "How to Recognise a Gay Terrorist.
His name is: "YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN" One day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a  sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'  The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the Vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and the Vet don't see eye to eye. The Vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the Vet  'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband  getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The Doctor's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the Vet leaned in - he had obviously  seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a  rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting  even!

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....

'What's a headache?'

Anna Bligh is the Premier of Queensland.

Anna Bligh was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Anna, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Anna.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Anna.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Anna.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Anna Bligh’s chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old North Queensland farmer,who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was. The old farmer said:

"When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain: "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there,he doesn't know what to do while he is up there,and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in thefirst place."

Philosophical Differences: $50

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of New Zealand some day.
Both of her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.
 
I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out.  You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the National Party."
 
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.   

Ultimate Blonde Story

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You 'B*tch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...... 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

1. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

2. It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure."

3. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

4. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and  he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

11. When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

12. A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

13. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

14. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

15. I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

16. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.  She saw a beautiful banquet table.  Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. 
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.  "Hello - How are you!  We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 
"This is such a wonderful place!  How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.


"Which word?"  the woman asked. "  Love." 
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', 
and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. 

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. 
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.  "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "
I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.  
And then I won the multi-state lottery. 
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. 
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. 
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. 
I fell and hit my head, and here I am. 
What a bummer!  
How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked. 

"Czechoslovakia." 

Moral of the story:  Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it, you'll really love my place."
"The grass is almost a foot high" What Nationality was Jesus

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen!!!U2 Concert - A True Story

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in silence he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"
A voice from near the front pierces the silence,
"Well, stop f**king doing it then!" After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
 
But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it;
even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
 
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
 "Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
 "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
 "Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
 "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
 "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
 "No, no, no!!!" she answers.
 "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
 "That's me 6 months ago"

Singing In Church

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. 
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. 
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."  
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."  
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." 
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX." 
The congregation fell into total silence.  
Everyone was in shock. 
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, " MEMORIES."

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE OLD LADIES

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

C'mon guys, we laugh at your blond jokes!) And my personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

REVERSE IT!

I think the life cycle is all backwards and we should  reverse it.
You should start out dead and get it all out of the way..  
Then you wake up in an Old Age ahome, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy and go and collect your pension,
When you start work you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to Primary school, become a kid, you play, have no responsibilities, you become a baby.
Then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury in spa-like conditions, central heating room service on tap, larger quarters every day - and then you finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

An older lady was

somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "I'M LONELY TOO. BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

The Prince Then Kissed The Old Lady Back..........
And Guess What The Old Lady Turned Into?
Come On Guess?

Ooooooohhhhhhh Come On

She Turned Into The First Motel She Could Find.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and criedGOLF BALLS

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"God love the woman who shared this............

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night.
Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so
much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are
stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of
the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

(There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. "(controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives
in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: a saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains it to him.

"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits......
At two seconds the Baileys curdles ....
At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job."THE COWBOY

 

Three men were waiting at Dallas Airport for their respective flights.
One was a lanky, brash, gun-chewing cowboy, one an elderly American Indian and the other a Fundamentalist Arab Student.
They got into conversation but when it was known that the Arab student was a devout radical Muslim, all were quiet.
"Three hundred years ago" said the Indian, "My people were many, and we roamed all over this vast land. Now we are few, and confined to reservations. I often wonder why"
"Three hundred years ago" sneered the student, "Islam was unknown here. Now there are thousands of Muslims everywhere. Do you know why that is?"
The cowboy stretched his legs our, pushed his Stetson to the back of his head and drawled,
"Waaal, Ah guess that's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet - but Ah reckon it's a'comin'" CORPORATE LESSON #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the Story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


CORPORATE LESSON #2

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized,
Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the Story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


CORPORATE LESSON #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.
" Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the Story: Always let your boss have the first say.


CORPORATE LESSON #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


CORPORATE LESSON #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. "Shit Happens"... and its religious definitions:

TAOISM ------------- Shit Happens.
BUDDHISM ----------- Shit happening is an illusion
CONFUCIANISM ------- Confucius says, "Shit happens".
ZEN ---------------- What is the sound of shit happening?
ADVAITA ------------ To whom does this shit happen?
ISLAM -------------- Shit happening is the will of Allah.
CATHOLICISM -------- If shit happens, you deserve it.
PROTESTANTISM ------ Let shit happen to someone else.
ORTHODOX ----------- Our shit is very special.
JUDAISM ------------ Why does this shit always happen to us?
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS --- Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
CALVINISM ---------- Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE -- If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
MORMONISM ---------- If shit happens ... Fuck it!
HINDUISM ----------- This shit has happened before.
HARE KRISHNA ------- Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Shit Shit, Happens Happens.
ATHEISM ------------ Shit happens for no reason at all.
AGNOSTIC ----------- Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
STOICISM ----------- So shit happens ... I can take it.
PAGANISM ----------- Shit is a part of the Goddess too.
SCIENTOLOGY -------- Join a course and you'll know why shit happens.
RASTAFARIANISM ----- Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
LAOTSEISM ---------- The shit that can be described is not the absolute shit.
OSHOISM ------------ If you don't see shit in my eyes, in my gesture and in my silence, you will never find it in my words.
BYRONKATIESM ------- What would you be without that shit?
BACHISM ------------ If you give a few drops of this shit in a bottle and take it four times daily, you are able to better bear all the other shit.
YOGANANDAISM ------- Always concentrate on the shit on the top of your head.
RUMIISM ------------ Love that shit.
FREUDISM ----------- Let's talk about your shit since childhood.
PAPAJISM ----------- There is no shit.
SATSANGISM --------- Damned, why dont shit understand that shit already is that shit?!
TANTRISM ----------- Breath deeply into the shit.
AVATARISM ---------- I am the source of all this shit.
ASTROLOGISM -------- Tell me your birthdate and I tell you the exactly second when your mothers aunt will have her next shit.
SANNYASISM --------- The shit of my master tastes better then yours.
YOGISM ------------- Press your ass and keep it inside.
VIPASSANAISM ------- Watch that shit ... passing your body ... as it naturally flows.... A survey of 500 women in the UK asked "Would you sleep with Shane Warne ?"

75% answered - "Not again ....!".

25% answered - "Which one was him....!"

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.  This bookkeeper is deaf.  It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back:  "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling:  "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney:  "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:  "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

Don't ya just love lawyers?A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."Redneck medical terms Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by The navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer, who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at 6 feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied " from the tip of my penis to my testicles " It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing a medical officer took the measurement.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the captain to " drop em" which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the captain's penis and began to work back  ...
" My God " he suddenly explained, " where are your testicles ?
The captain calmly replied " Vietnam "A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."A woman was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. her husband looking on with disinterest; remarks, "your bum is the size of a three burner B.B.Q!" Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he lent over, Tapped her on the shoulder and asked hopefully; "how about it?" She replied" its hardly worth lighting the B.B.Q for half a saugage!"Fractured Fairytale

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long- forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete, he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:

.........."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now" A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.
'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says 'I  have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.
'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!' The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks,  'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again. Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'. Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede.
 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.
'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For *uck's sake man, I heard you the first time.... I'm putting my shoes on!The parachutes
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. 
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Howard , said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation. And above all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in Australian history, so Australia's people won't let me die".
So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack.A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half of the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war. A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is politics all about?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way...I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.'
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the 'Government.'
We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People.'
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class.' And, finally, your baby brother...we'll call him 'The Future.' Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129."
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129"
Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you fucking moron?"An old man lived alone in Palestine. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in an Israeli prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Israeli soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was, "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This is the best I can do for you at this time."Chinese Torture!!
A young man is wandering lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." 
The man agreed, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.
Well, that's easy, he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: 
Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.Let's see if I understand how America works lately...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government or not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.

QUESTION #1: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? 
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." 
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
1. Football.
2. Sex.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, Who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

QUESTION #2: DO YOU LOVE ME?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
1. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter? 
5. Who? Me?

QUESTION #3: DO I LOOK FAT?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
 "Of course not!" 
Among the incorrect answers are:
1. Compared to what? 
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #4: DO YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 
Incorrect responses include:
1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
3. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
4. Define pretty.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #5: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED? A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and Boat". No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (WITH A HURTFUL LOOK ON HER FACE) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Woman: ---silence---
Man: Shit. The Ol' In & Out
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches  them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them. "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog.
 "What's your name?" 
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. 
"And what's your name then?"
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Louie, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
And so she moves on to the last dog.
"Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewey, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles 
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."Three guys are invited to a special party. The theme is 'emotions' and they're wondering just what they'll wear.

The first guy gets a brainwave and dashes off to get his costume. The second guy thinks for a moment and he too, gets an idea and runs off.

The third guy (who just happens to come from India) prays for a moment, gains enlightenment and also runs off to get his costume. 
The Big Night arrives and the front door is guarded by two burly bouncers.

The bouncers are asking people as they come in just what emotion they represent.

The first guy walks up dressed only in a red jump-suit. The bouncers pull him aside and say "Ok mate, just what emotion are you?" The first guy answers "I'm red with Anger" - The bouncers nod and he is allowed in.

A moment later, The second guy walks up dressed only in a green jump-suit.

The bouncers also pull him aside and say "Ok mate, what emotion are you?" The second guy answers "I'm green with Envy" - The bouncers nod and he is allowed in too.

Five minutes later, The third guy (from India) walks up dressed only in his Turban, but has his p*nis in a bowl of custard. The bouncers look at him and pi*s themselves laughing, while wiping away the tears from laughter they ask "Ok mate and just what emotion are you?" (Indian accent essential)

He answers "Oh my goodness gracious me, can't you tell I'm f**king dis-custard" An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. 
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. 
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week. The lady says "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"Medical Alert.... Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. The Deaf Parents

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behaviour and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl.
The boy then says "Your Dad leans your Mum over the couch and does her from behind. 
He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.' 
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easy," she explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck you. I'm watching the match. The Swimming Race 
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. 
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom. 
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years 
I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."The Four Nuns It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and ran off. 
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." 
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. 
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." 
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. 
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says,
"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..." Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? 
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? 
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex? 
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? 
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? 
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... 
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? 
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? 
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? 
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? 
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy ? 
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? 
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting you on how nice your hair smells?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The next paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the

Madame took one look at them and decided that they haven't had sex in so long that in the dark they wouldn't be able to tell the difference between real women and blow-up dolls.

She wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old farts. She decided to use the blow-up dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room, turned out the lights, led the men to their rooms, and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked, or groaned...........how was it for you?" The second man replied,

"I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "Why's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "I bit her on the tit........ she farted and flew out the window! Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

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