A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm Black and you're White?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fxxking party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Multitasking:

Every man will love this and.. ..only a few brave women will actually pass it on! If women are so perfect at multitasking how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?!!!!'

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned. A minister decided that a visual demonstration would Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.  The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was s itting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, You won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service --

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a foockin' towel !!

I LOVE MY JOB . .. . . . If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it  However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

NEW PASSWORD   A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.. Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P... E... N... I... S.. His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD INVALID............NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Testicle Therapy   Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of menplaying the next hole.  The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd  allow me, she told him.  'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.  At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

An old man goes into a Chemist to buy some Viagra. 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' 'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist 'but a  quarter tablet will not give you  a full erection ' 'I'm 71' said the old man.'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Wally's Wedding Night At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding She and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband May over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares To go to sleep. After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her Bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh As a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says To him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally. ' Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: ....... 'You mean I've been here already?' Don't be afraid of getting old, senior's moments have Their advantages.

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation.  The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction..   After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come. The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.  With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.  When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded.  "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes… And then she asked, "What was the 1-2 -3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – or one will end up with a dangling participle!A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?   Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older  Woman:  Oh, I see. Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please? Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.  Traffic Cop:  Don't have one? Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.  Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  Older  Woman:  I can't do that. Traffic Cop:  Why not? Older  Woman:  I stole this car. Traffic Cop:  Stole it? Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.  Traffic Cop:  You what!? Older Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see   The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir? Officer  2:  My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner. Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?! Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.  Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am? Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.The traffic cop is quite stunned.  Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license quizzically.  Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner! Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding,too. 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?      The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard . The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.      The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.   The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.     That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.       The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,  We can't tell you because you're not a monk..      The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?  The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.       The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.       The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk . We shall now show you the way to the sound..     The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.        The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?        The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.      Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.     Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ...           The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight     .. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.     DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!

After his annual exam the doctor said to the elderly Southern man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man.. 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. ' Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh that silly old fool,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July.'

Women Are Evil By Nature... A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do? Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..' Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.. Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear. "Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me. " He reaches into his pocket and says,"For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear! "Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers? "She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any .. "The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoolie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm homesick.

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'. The man thought about it for a while.

The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely Painful... To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said,

'That was incredible! Can you do that again?' With tears in his eyes he replied,

‘ I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,

"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if  anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!

'Two Wolves' 

This is the best I have ever heard it explained...  One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said: 'My son, the battle is between 'two wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather:

'Which wolf wins?' The old Cherokee simply replied:

'The one you feed".

From a lady Scottish teacher...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'No!'. 

By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued,

'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A ten-year old boy shouted out  'YUV GOTTAE BE F@#&IN' DEAD...........'

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way..... Who's your Daddy?  These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. 1.. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.   2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at  360 East Bolton Avenue  where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks .   4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced . 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...   7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.   8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized . 10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

Ghandi Quotes

Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well. As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.  Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.    Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.   Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.  I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life.    I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.    I want freedom for the full expression of my personality.   In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a lon and arduous quest after Truth.   It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.    One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.    The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.     You must be the change you want to see in the world.    You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.    What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?   Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary.    An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.   'An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody will see it.'   Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right. 

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar... and the coffee. A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life." "The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car."

"The sand is everything else-the small stuff." 

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls."

"The same goes for life."

"If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room or the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness."

"Play with your children."

"Take time to get medical checkups."

"Take your partner out to dinner." 

"Play another 18."

"There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter."

"Set your priorities."

"The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked."

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Why is playing bridge like having sex? Because if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.  

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

"All I want out of life is four little animals".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?

"The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

THE KIWI FARMER

A big city lawyer from Sydney was holidaying in the New Zealand.

He went duck hunting in rural Waikato. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Australasia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the Waikato.

We settle small disagreements like this with the Waikato Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Waikato Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger who looked extremely frail and was really quite elderly.

The lawyer agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer carefully and slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

With his first kick he planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick went to the midriff and sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he felt that it was retribution time.

He felt truly great as he said, "Okay, you old sweetheart.

Now it's my turn."The old farmer smiled and said,

"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!"

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1-- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2-- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3-- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4-- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5-- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6-- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7-- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to explore the entire course, with special attention to hills, valleys and we..-formed bunkers.

8-- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9-- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection.

10-- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11-- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12-- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13-- Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

14-- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15-- The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.  

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A. M., all the  doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11 and Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday custodian, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.  

An anti-was demonstrator in the U. S. A complained to the Post Office that the new stamp, with a picture of the President on it, was no good - just like him. The Post Office Official said, "It’s a perfectly good stamp. It has a beautiful picture of our President on one side, and excellent gum on the other side, which you just spit on, and it sticks to your letter very nicely""Ah-aaa" said the demonstrater, "That’s it! I’ve been spitting on the wrong side!"  

THE GIFT A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to a suitable store and bought a pair of pale blue fur trimmed gloves. The sister bought a pair of silk panties for herself.During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items - the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note. "I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a rather delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.All my love - your sweetheart P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.  

AUSSIE LOVE POEM from Zella Of course I love you darling, you’re a bloody top-notch bird, And when I say you’re georgeous, I mean every single word, So ya bum is on the big side, I don’t mind a bit of flab, It means that when I’m ready there’s something there to grab, So your belly isn’t flat no more,I tell ya, I don’t care, So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there, No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts, They just give in to gravity, but I know ya did ya best, I’m tellin ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies, I think it’s very sexy that you’ve got dimples on ya thighs, I’ll swear on Mamma’s grave now, the moment that we met, I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get, No matter what ya look like, I’ll always love ya dear, Now shut up while the footy’s on, and get me another beer!  

The lighter side of SARS - from UNDP WARNING If you are wearing those surgical masks... read on.... This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her ward. A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with an mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,"Are my testicles black?"Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, "I SAID..... Are myTESTS RESULTS BACK .....!! ???"  

THE DANGER OF SWITCHING JOBS A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."  

Kiwi crisis - Eh Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Hillen, its the hilth munister hirr. Sorry to buther you et thus hour but there ez un imergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fictory un Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the intire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.""Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!""We're going to hef to shup some en from abroad...Britain?...""No chence!! The Poms wull have a field day on thus one!" "What about Australia?""Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and four enches thuck! Thet way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a truck arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 4 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and every one ..... MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM  

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury: WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS............. Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why  no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead  at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling  okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a  proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in  the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed  away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an  office cleaner asked why he was still working during the  weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said:  "George was always the first guy in each morning and  the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post  mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proof reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.And the moral of the story:   "Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."  

ESCAPED PRISONER....... A prisoner escapes from his prison where be had been kept for 15 years. He runs away, finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but, instead, finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up on the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.  While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years! I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist or complain, just do what he tells you and let him do what he wants. This guy could be! dangerous. If he gets angry, he might even kill us! Just do what he says and be strong, honey. I love you"  To which the wife responds, He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey.  I love you too..."  

HIS AND HERS ROAD JOURNEY HERS  1 - Pulls off at wrong exit 2 - Opens window 3 - Asks policeman directions 4 - Arrives at destinationHIS  1 - Pulls off at wrong exit, absolutely positive it’s the correct one 2 - Drives 5 miles into the wilderness, still thinks it’s right 3 - Drives an extra 5 miles just in case 4 - Finally pulls up at a Macdonalds and rolls down the window 5 - Gets 3 hot dogs, a large slurpee and beef jerky 6 - Asks the guy behind the counter how to get back onto the highway 7 - Gets back into the car 8 - Closes the door, then farts 9 - Laughs at the idea of looking at the map as he pulls away from Macdonalds 10 - Drives down a dirt road with no street lights, insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at Macdonald’s said it was 11 - Almost hit a deer 12 - Curses the night, you, and the large slurpee 13 - Stops by the side of the road to take a leak 14 - Still taking a leak 15 - Almost done - I think 16 - Returns to the car 17 - Drives and fiddles with the radio 18 - Yells at you for suggesting the map again 19 - Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway 20 - He hates your sister ever since she called him a pernicious weasel 21 - He had to look up pernicious and couldn’t find a dictionary 22 - Finally found a dictionary and couldn’t spell pernicious 23 - Seethes at the memory of it allBut she is laughing inside and of course they are still lost!!!!!  

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the store, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... 1st floor - the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"So up they went.... 2nd floor - the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?3rd floor - this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went....4th floor - this door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me, cried the women. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.....5th floor - the sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f...ing impossible to please".  

Kiwi misunderstanding........ Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal."No way doc, I'm here for the rugby" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey". "What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.""Phew, thunk gud for thut! " said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"  

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. You are, I am, we are Australian.  

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.  She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.  "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.  They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"  "Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed.  "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her!  She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off.  The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.  In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."  

After you, my love, my only prize Would be a bullet between my eyes Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you're not I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space I saw your face as you walked by but then I saw a better guy My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt, If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell" Look at those eyes, look at that face, good God, someone, hand me my mace! Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the  roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.  

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,  "Has anybody got a cock?"  -- all the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.  Has anybody seen a cock?"  -- all the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.  Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."   -- half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.  Has anybody seen my cock?"   -- all the nuns stood up.  

Clearly Defined Words: ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. NURSE - A pan handler. NURSERY - A place to park last year's fun until it grows up a bit. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.  

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."  

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding over the high plains, suddenly Tonto stops, gets off his horse kneels down and puts his ear to the ground. After several seconds he looks up at the Lone Ranger and says, "buffalo come". to which the Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know". Tonto get back up on his horse wiping his ear and replies, "Ground all sticky"  

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,  "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."  The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."  "Tiger wouldn't do that."  "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his new wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."  

The George Carlin Theory: "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the lifecycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby; you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm." --George Carlin  

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.!! Please, go away and leave me alone."A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the football with my son-in-law."  

Nine months later Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."  

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS 1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny. 3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!! 4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?) 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway? 6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.  7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? 11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit. 15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!  

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:  "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:  "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a f***"  

Way down in the outports of Newfoundland, Georgie's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Georgie and said, Hey, Georgie! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!!" Georgie got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Georgie! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty 'lil ting, too...."Georgie got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"Georgie said to the doctor,"Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"The doctor said, "You never know Georgie, it was probably something that happened during conception." Georgie said, "Ah yeah, during conception"When Georgie and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "You remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night"Georgie said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fuckin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"  

Bumper Stickers 1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later. 18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes 39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.  

Thoughts for the day The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!! Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"  

Girls Night Out... The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club.  One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the$50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek. Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet and thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card... Swiped it down his CRACK... Grabbed the 60 Bucks... And went Home!!!  

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over. The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the big hurry?" The guy says, "I'm late for work. "What do you do?" "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." "What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers...eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide." The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?" "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge!  

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The guy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral it had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth." The guy from Wyoming can't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I am still here today!" The South Dakota cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.  

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear'."TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says! ,"You dummy, it's me!"THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead! Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?  "Is it mine?"SIX A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Gosh!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am! ?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"  

Morning Chores A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."  The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken.  Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.  Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry... His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"  "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"  

Catch up. John. A man's sitting reading his newspaper when his wife walks in and whacks him one on the back of the head with a frying pan "What the hell was that for"?!, he asks, completely stunned. That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name 'Mary-Ellen' written on it, she replies. "Don't be silly" he says. Two weeks ago when I went to the races 'Mary-Ellen' was the name of a horse I bet on. The wife seems satisfied and apologies for clubbing him. Three days later, he's sitting in his chair reading again, when she fucking hammers him right on the back of the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes round, he asks again "What the hell was that for"?! "Your F**king horse phoned"  

HAIR CUT A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours. "The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.  A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says," Your house to meet your wife."  

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope,  "Now you have everything."  

What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man? You can enjoy all but the head. What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man? They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this. What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man? They both get hot in 15 seconds. Why can't a man be both good looking and intelligent? Because that would make him a woman. Why are batteries better than men? Batteries have at least one positive end. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg? Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions. What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man? They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject. Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female? It is rarer. Why do men prefer to marry virgins? They cannot handle the criticism. What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man? A rumour.  

Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden,  a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.  Lesson Number TwoA turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?", replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain. The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes, until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the  idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that  the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. Lesson Number Four A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird  under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.  

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children." You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go..."  

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?  Well, I guess I just panicked  

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and ask the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task. The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn.  To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her mouth and begins to give him a blow job. The first man says, "Hey, what is this?  Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says,  "That, sir, is the difference between Private Health Insurance and Medicare"  

What is the most functional word? Well, it's shit.....that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most funtional word in the English language. consider this: you can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or dicide to get off the pot. you can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. there are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. there is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. you can throw shit, sling shit catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. you can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. you can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. you can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. you can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle. sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like roses. when you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. and remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! you could even pass this shit along...... if you give a shit lo l......  

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost un-noticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin.  They put his left leg in - and things just started to go wrong from there !  

Female Comebacks Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book."Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter"Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!"Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a GreatDane?"Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."Man: "If I could see you naked,I'd die happy. Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."Man: "I'd go through anything for you. Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"  

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".  "I am actually 47" he replies to her astonishment. This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."  

Heart Specialist A heart specialist doctor died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynaecologist"  

The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.  

The other guy After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy. The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.  

A extremely depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Sydney Harbour.  When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.". The blonde nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and in return I'm letting him screw me."  "He certainly is screwing you lady" said the Captain. "This is the Manly ferry."  

WANTED A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.  

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and  the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell.  This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.  "Oh, my," said the bunny,  "I'm terribly  sorry. I didn't mean to hurt  you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.""It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story  is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.""Oh,  that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.  So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your  nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.  I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly a member of upper management."   

Australian vs Kiwi vs a Blonde In a train carriage there was a Kiwi guy, an Australian guy, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Australian had a big slap mark on his cheek.  (1) The blonde thought - "That Australian son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"  (2) The fat lady thought - "The dirty old Australian laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) The Australian thought - "That fucking Kiwi put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".  (4) The Kiwi thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Aussie again".

Lady Golfers Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"  

What a Night On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.  "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."  "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile."Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?""Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."  

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street and spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk because the other three don't exist  

Priestly Assistance One day a priest was walking down the street. He saw a little boy on the front porch of a house trying to reach the doorbell. The boy was standing on his tip toes and jumping up and down, but he still couldn't reach the bell. The priest walked over to him and asked, "Do you need some help?" The young boy said yes so the priest rang the doorbell. Then the priest said, "What now?"The little boy shouted, "Run!"  

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walked into the Ladies Room and stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the mirror and said, "I think..." *POOF*  

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo !  A woolly jumper  

Subject:  word perfect help!

How many people do we know like this?? I certainly could name a few!! This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!). Names have been changed to protect the guilty!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor? "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure."

"A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."  

Booze Party

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:

"Shall We Gather at the River."  

The Gift

A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought her a box full of fine chocolates.

A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!" She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said, "I bet this is some wine!" The little boy said, "Nope!" She tasted it again and said "Liquor?" The little boy said, "Nope!" She tasted it again and said, "Beer?" The little boy said, "Nope!" She said, "Well what is it?" The little boy said, "A puppy!"