Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading... It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
- - - Crowfoot This should be posted in all schools and work places...

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT.
In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.Police Warning - see demo video link at bottom of page

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

For a video to see how beer works click here:
Beer Demo  http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swfCondoms !
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line....
Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.
Tesco condoms - Every little helps.
Nike condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abby national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.
Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.
FCUK condoms - No comment required.
Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.
Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms - Size really does matter.
Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.
Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
Carlsberg condoms - Proberly the best condoms in the world.
AA condoms - For the 4th emergency service.
Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.
Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
 

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you o long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a  party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the  top of his voice,  "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.It's a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you  thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.INDIAN LOGIC

An American Indian chief sat in the reservation smoking a ceremonial pie,
and eyeing two U. S. Government officials who had been sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles - you have observed white man for the last 90 years.
You have seen his wars and technological advances.
You've seen both his progress and the damage he has done"
The Chief nodded and carried on smoking.
"In your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at them for a minute and then replied.
"When white man came, Indians were running this place.
There were no taxes, no debts, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have sex.
(smiling) Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"WHO IS CERTIFIABLE?

A visitor to the mental asylum asked the Director what criteria was used to tell if a person should be certified or not.
The Director replied , "Well, we fill up a bathtub with water, offer a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"
"I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is the biggest"
"No" said the Director, " A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed nest to the window or a bed next to mine?

DID YOU PASS THE TEST? One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops - a few  people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, " And why not ?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass"

Management Lesson:
"Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one..."A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, 
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. 
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you. 
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate" Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: 
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. 
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!" A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. 
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 
The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. 
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. 
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity
gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead." 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. 
He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had s*x together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well!" "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" 
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good. 
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having s*x against a fence. 
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. 
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. 
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. 
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. 
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x that the watching policeman has ever seen. 
This goes on for about ten minutes. 
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. 
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. 
The Policeman still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. s the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. 
You must've had a fantastic s*x life together. 
Is there some sort of secret to this?" 
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
4. It encourages car pooling.
5. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
6. It eliminates holiday leave because people would rather come to work.
7. It makes fellow employees look better.
8. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
9. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are plastered.
10.Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
11.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the pub.
12. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
13. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunchbreak.
14. Increases the chance of seeing your boss (or employee naked).
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Bum" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross". Live TV is Still The Best!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think twice before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story...the station had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline. After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is. They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline. Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline. They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill. What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up. The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on. They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word. One of the students says "We've broken down up the road .Do you mind if we have something to drink !

? No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family. They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each. One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply. He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word. The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife. Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word. They have another beer each and still no word from anyone. As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".The father jumps up and says '"I'll do the washing up". What hand do you wipe your bum with???

answer  I don't use any hands I use toilet paper The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison.
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."Three famous models... Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:
"We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"
The three models start preparing for the worst. 
Claudia Schiffer immediately pulls out her lipstick and make-up, and starts doing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: What the hell are you doing prettying your face, when we are about to crash!" 
Claudia responds: "It stands to reason that the rescue workers will notice my beautiful face, and save me first.
That is why I am putting on my make-up." 
Then Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose her beautiful breasts, (which inexplicably defy the law of gravity). 
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses? 
Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see, when we are about to die?"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority that, in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with beautiful breasts. So, that is why I am exposing my tits!" 
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell then hikes her skirt right up around her waist, and takes off her panties. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi, are you crazy? 
Why are you now half naked, fully exposing your fanny for everyone to see?" 
Calmly, Naomi responds: "Please, please! Everyone knows for a fact, that the first thing they look for after a plane crash, is the Black Box." The Bricklayer

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

ACCIDENT CLAIM FORM REPORT FOR INJURIES .

Dear Sirs:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks You. will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident re port form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience (pain), At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now, devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions  about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he  asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down  on the ground and spread her wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in  here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she  managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for  bees" said Tarzan. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food. Toward the end of the golf course, Eddie somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden 'POOF'! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life;
better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then 'POOF'! She was gone.
After Eddie got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. 
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Eddie yells back, "DON'T SWING FRED!!!
For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. 
The doctor says to the first old man, 
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
 The doctor worriedly says to the second man, 
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
 "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
 "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
 "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. 
"How did you get that"?
 "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. 
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." A few facts to get your brain in gear.

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no-one reported a single case where and ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary School.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tounge twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck. If you could keep your eyes open by force, they would pop out.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Now, did you try to lick your elbow ??? A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area,
would operate  in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening. 
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital,
when the other phone rang. 
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back, 
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. 
I'm talking to Christ."A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, 
"Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"Remember how airlines used to ask you to be at the airport one hour before departure? Now, to avoid delays, they want you to drive to your destination.SAGINAW, Michigan - Reading directions would have been helpful for a thief who robbed a restaurant in Saginaw, Michigan.
The would be robber failed to escape after he pushed with all of his might on a door that was clearly marked "pull."
According to police, the man eventually discovered his mistake, but it was already too late.A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: 
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. 
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him.
They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect,
the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hung over a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"LOS ANGELES - Twice the size equals twice the fare according to a judge in Los Angeles. The ruling came after Cynthia Luther, who weighs more than 300 pounds, alleged that Southwest harassed and discriminated against her in May before she boarded a flight from Reno to Burbank. According to the lawsuit, Luther was asked if she needed a seat belt extension, then was told to buy a second ticket "so as not to inconvenience other passengers seated next to her." A friend bought the extra ticket, but Luther sat in one seat with the armrest down. Superior Court Judge Marilyn Hoffman said the airline's policy wasn't discriminatory and is aimed at situations that "might significantly encroach on another passenger."MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Michigan - Apparently Domino's Pizza delivery drivers don't deliver everything. The driver told police he went to apartment building, not realizing the food order was for the rear apartment and knocked on the door of the front apartment. A woman who appeared to be intoxicated or high on drugs reportedly came out of the apartment and offered to perform a sex act for the food. As he tried to pull away to get back to his car, the woman bit him on the arm, then climbed through his window and allegedly grabbed his crotch several times. Somehow, the woman wound up with the food and 20-ounce pop that had been on the car's front seat. The delivery driver later went to a local hospital for a tetanus shot.AIREDALE, Yorkshire - A Yorkshire bank denied putting a gun club in a compromising position due to its vulgar name. The members of The Cock, Ball, Nipple and Touchhole Club were shocked when their eight-year-old bank account was shut down when it went just slightly overdrawn and thought it was because of their rude-sounding name. Bank officials claim it was closed simply because it was overdrawn and "was in no way influenced by the group's name or its activities." Despite how it can be interpreted, the terms cock, ball, nipple and touchhole are all parts on an antique rifle, although members admit that some people do assume they are an 'adult'  organization.Then there was the Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures  to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, 
"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing tostand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing tostand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. 
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. 
What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, 
"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans. So they built and it was beautiful.
When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.
He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call Empire State?"
The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.
"What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev.
The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.
 "Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says."
 More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don't grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"Don't worry if you have problems! 
Which is easy to say until you are in the midst of a really big one, I know. 
But the only people I am aware of who don't have troubles are gathered in little neighbourhoods. 
Most communities have at least one. 
We call them cemeteries.
If you're breathing, you have difficulties. 
It's the way of life. 
And believe it or not, most of your problems may actually beBRAZIL - A Brazilian jeweller's dream of a longer penis is a stretch of their imagination, amongst other things. The man has already gone through great lengths to increase his modest four inch manhood to 10.5 inches with the use of a special "extender" device, however, now he wants more. His doctor, Bayard Fischer Santos, has urged him to seek psychiatric advice before he chases his dream of a 12-inch-plus penis. Dr Fischer added: "He's very proud of his penis, it's all he thinks about. And of course his wife is delighted."GERMANY - A stuntman in Germany really cleaned up at a charity event when he survived a seven-minute stint in a car wash clinging to the top of a family car. Jesco Goebel donned a rubber suit and a diving mask while he endured the cycle of whirling brushes, hot water and wax to raise money for a children's hospital charity. Goebel told reporters "The vacuum cycle didn't really dry me off but at least I didn't get injured."CHIETI, Italy - A 94-year-old Italian man, who apparently isn't done sowing his wild oats yet, told a court that his 52-year-old wife was filing for divorce because he wanted too much sex. The woman, who is almost half his age, is his third wife and the couple met through a marriage agency just five months ago. But she's already filed for a divorce because of the pressure her husband's sexual appetite has put on the marriage.Jill: How bad did things get with you and your ex?
Mary: Well, for the first few months, when he hadn't come home yet, I'd  pray, "Please, God, don't let him be lying on the side of the road somewhere dead."
Jill: Okay, and then?
Mary: Then after about a year of that, I started to pray, "Please, God, let him be lying dead on the side of the road somewhere, and let there be enough insurance money to fix the car and send his body back to his parents."At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
 The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"The Kennebunkport Hillbilly (sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
 He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes. 
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation. 
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?Real Books... Unreal Titles!

The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.Teachers Hefty Salaries!!

I, for one am sick of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do, baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right......I would give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be fifteen dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
Now, how many do they teach a day.. maybe 25. Then that's 15x25 =$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year. I 'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's 375x180 = $67,500.00 (hold on my calculator must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 hour. That would be $6 x 5 hours x25 children x180 days  =$135,000 per year.
Wait there must be something wrong here!
THERE SURE IS!!!

Facts about Orstralia!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the chep pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik.
He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"The Chinese believed early in the post-campaign debacle that George W. would win the election and visit China at some point in his term of office.
In fact, the chefs have already created a new dish in honour of his visit, called "Won Dum Goy".What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination
Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)
Now....want a re-count, George???This definition comes directly from Webster's
AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): 
Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a desired result is produced.Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.
 ... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrowsAn old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
 "Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"Subject: amazingly but true prediction

Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." Nostradamus, 1555

Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft****

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft ****

Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft ***

My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft ***

Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George

W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy  frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida. . . . Crumple crumple crumple

 Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft ***

Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times. . . . Ah, forget it. GORE'S UNRELEASED CONCESSION SPEECH.

I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election. 
 "Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be  watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
 "Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
 "Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election. "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off. "And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make  Hillary my Vice President.

"What a pisser."Irish Virus

Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.

Paddy Things to do in Kmart while your other half is shopping

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

 4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone; "I think we have a Code 3 in Homeware".

5. Put M & M's on layby.

6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the Sporting Section; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, start crying and ask; "Why won't people leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Sporting Section, ask the salesperson if the gun is sold with a prescription for anti-depressants.

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the Auto Dept practise your Madonna look by using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, jump out and yell; "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the P.A. system, assume the foetal position and scream; "Not the voices again!"

15. Go into the Fitting Room and call out loudly; "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here".Let's face it: English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?

And more..................

Some food for "Thought".......

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"